Moon 9 Day 9 Blue Magnetic Monkey
Sunday, March 15th, 2009
Okay, so I’ve been a bit lazy about writing articles the past couple of weeks. Please forgive me. I opted instead to share a couple of old blogs from two years ago, written during the same time of year, for the show two weeks ago, and an old journal entry from exactly 10 years ago from today’s date in last week’s show.
One of the coolest things about reading both of those pieces was remembering details I’d completely forgotten, like seeing myself underneath ice in a vision I had. While telling someone about that today, I clearly got that it was symbolic of my heart being frozen, for I’d been guarded and blocked in many ways for my whole life up to that point. I never even realized before that show that the experience I read about happened two months prior to meeting and proposing to myhusband.
Some people call it 20/20 hindsight. I look even deeper for patterns connected to other experiences past and present. The older I get, it seems the less I have to look- they seem to jump out at me. This happened this past week in relation to my twin soul, otherwise known as a twin flame. I shall refer to him simply as my twin.
I began writing about my twin this past October. It was for my third show. I felt ready, but nervous to speak on the subject. Though I hadn’t heard from my twin, aside from one sentence, the entire previous year, I knew that he might one day hear my show and I didn’t care to say anything that might upset him. He’s super private and isn’t nearly as open as I am when it comes to speaking on sex, love and/orspirituality.
Many times I’ve told him that my ego did not choose him as my twin, for we are quite different and I'm not fond of his personality, but at last, my ego has completely acquiesced. My poem “To Adore” was a great help while I struggled to accept this fact and understand what was going on.
It’s interesting to me that I met Ray, a married man with two young children who lied to me about them, right around the time I asked for resolution regarding my twin. He helped me in many ways that were very painful and very pleasurable. We only kissed a few times before I found out he was married- never since. The pleasures I’m referring to were so much more than physical.
Being seen and accepted fully as I was and loved by someone whom I admired and respected was one of the greatest gifts I got from Ray. I’d forgotten what that felt like in a romantic context. I grew so used to lack of full reciprocity that I became carried away by Ray and crashed when I saw that he wasn’t ready to be truly himself in “the real world”. He left me here in his make-believe world withoutwarning.
Fortunately, I am quite an adept artist, among other things, and about a month later, I revisited the idea of twin souls/flames. I was pretty darn sure, again, at that point that my twin was my twin, but I’ve oftentimes read that they will feel/know this too, if not in words, then in heart. I could not tell if he did. I wouldn’t assume and it’d felt like forever since I felt any warmth from him, though I had heard something from him. Ray was obviously smitten with me, but one thing that made me question him (I questioned them both at that point, especially after reading how it’s possible to have more than one twin flame), is the fact that twins usually come together for some greater purpose/service to humanity. This is where my twin and I are two peas in a pod. They also appear when we’re feeling whole and complete on our own, having mastered the anima or animus side of our Self.
In ways, I feel like Neo, in the movie, “The Matrix” after he knows he’s the one- not just thinking he is. I asked my friend Christine, who transitioned on Feb 10th, to help illuminate my twin for me. I cared to genuinely understand all of this and came across material I’ve read aloud in previous shows this past month that showed me that she could help. She’s one of the only people I’ve ever met in my whole life who believed in twin souls and knew she met hers. The first day she and I met, due to a series of events, I told her aboutmine.
It’s important to me to share my experiences as honestly as I can, without violating my twin's privacy, for the sake of all those who believe, but might have doubts, for those who think that it’s a far-fetched idea or worse, those who think it’s total bullshit. I don’t really care if anyone else believes me. One of the hardest things throughout all of this has been ME believing me. After the countless “Why??”s, I kept asking, “How can I be sure???”
I’ve learned experientially that our inner world is in deed reflected in our outer world, like my Native ancestors say, “as within, so without”. By relaxing into, trusting and loving my Self, certain things have become blatantly obvious. One is that there truly is no thing to fear but our Selves, and that once we look beyond those fears, there is no thing, but Love, Love and more Love. As I’ve quoted before (and shall read from later on in this show), from the book The Little Prince, “ ‘It is ONLY with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.’ ‘What is essential is invisible to the eye.’, the little prince repeated so he was sure to remember.”
